Not tonight, dear, I'm feeling too fat:
According to a survey, more than half of women say that, regardless of their dress size, their physical relationships suffer because they feel ‘too fat’ to have a fulfilling sex life. Self-delusion or just painful reality? Here, four women, ranging from size 8 to 14, tell DIANA APPLEYARD how their self‑image affects their love lives.
Body conscious: Following a new survey, Heidi MacGuire, Ali Ines, Paula Rosdol and Jemima Slade have all revealed how their self-image affects their love lives
Paula Rosdol, 52, is 10st 7lb and a size 14. She is a dating advice coach for older women. She is married to Paul, 62, a financier, and the couple live in Wimbledon, South-west London. Paul has three children from a previous marriage. She says:
Your average man will look in the mirror naked, pull in his paunch, pat his chest and say: ‘What a catch I am!’ But when a woman looks in the mirror — when I look in the mirror — all I see are my pudgy bits, the parts of my body I want to change.
It doesn’t matter how many times a man tells me that he doesn’t mind my imperfections, that he loves my curves, I still feel inhibited in the bedroom.
And I know I’m far from alone. I can’t tell you how many women have said to me: ‘I feel so inhibited sexually because my body isn’t perfect.’
Just like them, I feel a huge pressure to look a certain way; that I can only enjoy sex if I look like a total goddess.
I know I should be losing myself in the heat of the moment but, instead, I’m lying on my back, desperately trying to hold in my tummy — as if it actually matters.
I married for the first time at 26, to a corporate manager, and we were together for 12 years.
'Feeling comfortable with your body has little to do with other people’s comments, it’s much more about the way you perceive yourself.
At that age, my body was probably the best it’s ever been, with a flat stomach, slim thighs and high breasts — but even back then I was terribly body-conscious during sex, and it was already affecting my love life.
I found it impossible to relax when he laid his hands on my tummy — all I could think about was trying to make it feel flatter and firmer.
After my marriage ended, and before I met Paul, there were plenty of occasions when I missed out on what could have been a much more exciting love life simply because I thought that, at a size 14, I was too curvaceous for the men who showed an interest in me.
What’s strange is that no man has ever made a single negative comment about my size and shape. But I suspect I speak for many women when I say that feeling comfortable with your body has little to do with other people’s comments, it’s much more about the way you perceive yourself.
I have to admit that I can’t help feeling a little sad when I think back to all the fun I could have had, and yet my physical inhibitions have meant that I have felt unable to let go.
Sex is so important to men, and I can’t help feeling envious that they don’t seem to struggle with the same issues of self-esteem that we women do.
Paul has done a lot to help me feel better about my appearance, never tiring of telling me how fantastic I look, despite my protestations to the contrary.
But even though I have fewer sexual inhibitions than I did, it’s still a constant battle not to torment myself for not being a perfect size ten.
Ali Ines, 43, is a size 12, weighs 9st 5lb, and is married to Ralph, 41, an actor. The couple have two children — Luc, 12, and Rebecca, eight. Ali works in beauty PR, and the family live in Wimbledon. She says:
I have recently gone up from a size 10 to a 12 as a result of a thyroid problem. I know that a size 12 is by no means ‘big’, but it’s all relative — and when you have spent the past 20 years as a size 8-10, it feels enormous.
Needless to say, my husband has barely noticed the increase in my weight — and if he has, he certainly doesn’t care — but it has impacted hugely on the way I feel about myself.
I don’t feel confident walking around in my underwear any more and I find myself whipping my clothes off at the end of the day and slipping into bed as fast as I can so that I’m naked as briefly possible.
In my head I think: 'If only I could lose half a stone, then every part of my life, from my work to my sex life, would be perfect.'
My husband thinks I’m so silly. He doesn’t give a hoot what size I am. Every time I demand that he inspect my rolls of fat, he wraps his arms around me and says: ‘I love you just the way you are.’
Yet while I know he loves me, there’s a part of me that always thinks he’d prefer me to be slimmer. He is naturally extremely tactile and affectionate, and I just wish I were perfect for him — I so want to be.
As if a thyroid problem weren’t enough to cope with, I’m now developing a ‘middle-aged spread’, which is doing nothing to boost my confidence.
I find myself looking back to when I was younger, when I’d think nothing of walking around in a bikini or slinky underwear — I knew I looked great.
There’s no question that my heyday was when I was in my 20s. At that time, I had total confidence in my body. Admittedly, I’d always wanted bigger boobs, but that never held me back. I had an inner confidence that made me feel really sexy.
Today, two decades on, I really miss that confidence, that certainty that I was desirable, that lack of inhibition about sex.
In my head I think: ‘If only I could lose half a stone, then every part of my life, from my work to my sex life, would be perfect.’
And I know I’m far from alone in thinking that. It doesn’t matter how old you are, it’s only when you feel desirable that you can enjoy sex to the full.
Jemima Slade, 39, runs a beauty salon, and has an 11-year-old daughter, Lily. A size 8, weighing 9st, Jemima, who is single, lives in North-west London. She says:
When people look at me, they most probably think I have a great figure and nothing to worry about, and yet I am riddled with sexual insecurities about my body.
I am only a dress size 8, but before I had my daughter I had a lot more sexual confidence because I had a washboard stomach that made me the envy of my friends.
Now it’s a very different story: my tummy is all soft and makes me feel nothing like the ‘hot babe’ I thought I was before. When I was in my 20s, I had men chatting me up all the time and I loved it. What’s funny is that I still have men hitting on me, but my reaction to their advances is very different.
I’m flattered by the attention, but my enjoyment extends only so far — when a man gets close to me and puts his arms around me, I can’t help drawing in my tummy and pulling away. I just can’t bear for anyone to touch it, let alone see it. I have an anxiety about my body that I never had before.
Since the birth of my daughter 11 years ago, I have done everything I can, from diet to exercise, to get rid of my jelly-belly. But nothing works, and it’s really affecting my confidence.
Opening up: All four women say that they been hit by confidence issues as their weight changed due to pregnancy or other reasons
On more than one occasion, I’ve been dating someone I really like. But as soon as things become intimate, I go cold on the relationship, because I am terrified of getting undressed in front of him.
The fact that every man I’ve ever been out with seems to think that I have a fantastic body doesn’t make any difference to the way I feel.
I am naturally a very confident, outgoing person, very successful in my career, with a lovely daughter, lots of friends and a great life — and yet I beat myself up constantly about not being perfect.
It drives my mum mad. She can’t understand why I won’t just accept myself as I am.
But how can any woman really enjoy sex when they’re too busy panicking about their own imperfections? Since I separated from my daughter’s father, I have had two long-term relationships, and both were seriously affected by my lack of self-esteem about my body.
I really miss having a fantastic physical relationship. I miss being able to lose myself in the moment, that feeling of being utterly lost in a man’s arms.
It’s so stupid to think of all the passion that I, and others like me, might have lost simply because of ill-founded insecurities that men don’t give a fig about.
Heidi Maguire, 39, lives in Richmond with her husband John, 47, who runs a golf club. Heidi is a size 12 and weighs 10st 7lb. She runs a jewellery business, and has an 18-month-old son, Angus. She says:
When I was pregnant with my son, my weight ballooned by 3st. I went from a size 10 to a size 14 and it made me utterly miserable.
My husband said he didn’t care, but I was convinced that he was just trying to make me feel better.
I was so unhappy, so obsessed about my weight, that I embarked on every diet available, from Atkins to WeightWatchers.
All the time, John was saying: ‘Look, you are fine as you are,’ but I wouldn’t listen.
Eventually, I discovered a product called Formoline, which stops you digesting some of the fat content of what you eat, and I am now back down to a size 12.
'I am desperate to rediscover the sense of self-confidence you feel when you aren’t obsessing about your weight or panicking about being plump'
As a result, my body confidence has started to pick up and I’ve noticed a discernible difference in my physical relationship with my husband.
I can’t pretend that things are back to the way they were, but they’re certainly improving, and my hope is that as my weight continues to drop, so I will continue to regain my confidence in the bedroom.
I am desperate to rediscover the sense of self-confidence you feel when you aren’t obsessing about your weight or panicking about being plump.
The truth is that when I am wobbly, I do not feel womanly, despite John reiterating, time and again, how much he loves my curves.
Like me, he is delighted that I have lost the weight, not because he prefers my body now, but because he can see the huge impact that losing weight has had on my self-confidence.
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