When I first met one of my best friends ten years ago, I noticed her right away, even though we were in a meeting with several people. There was something about her that seemed familiar. She was open and funny.
When we got chatting afterwards, it turned out she lived five minutes from me and, seemingly, we had a ridiculous amount in common. The following week we went for a drink and we haven't stopped chatting since.
There's nothing unusual about that. Most of us can lay claim, several times in our lives, to that sense of instant rapport with a stranger. It can be a romance, a friend, a colleague, or a miserable fellow passenger when the plane has been sitting on the Tarmac for three hours.
Shock tactic: People can often feel an instant rapport with others who have similar interests to them
But when it happens, something clicks between you and you feel you've known them for ever.
According to a new book, Click, The Magic Of Instant Connections, that feeling isn't just common to almost everyone, it's entirely explicable. Authors Rom and Ori Brafman have studied the science of the 'click' and Ori says: 'We've discovered that there are five factors involved in a click that show up time after time across different contexts. They are vulnerability, proximity, resonance, similarity and environment.'
Understanding these different processes, they say, will make it easier to connect with people, and explains why sometimes the reasons we click with someone are more obvious - and less serendipitous - than you might think.
VULNERABILITY
The first of the five factors makes perfect sense: when you're willing to open up, the other person is far more likely to be honest about themselves in return. even a small 'reveal' that demonstrates you're human and fallible will instantly relax your new friend.
Saying 'I'm sorry I'm yawning. I was awake half the night listening to next door's dog bark' is likely to elicit warmth and an answering confession - 'I'm a terrible sleeper, too.'
And once you've passed through that intimacy barrier, it's far easier to connect on a deeper level, say the Brafmans.
There's a fine line between charming openness and wildly inappropriate revelations. 'I was awake half the night screaming at my idiot husband because he had an affair and I can't forgive him' isn't vulnerable, it's just plain terrifying.
But on a socially acceptable level, 'allowing yourself to be vulnerable helps the other person to trust you, precisely because you are putting yourself at an emotional, psychological, or physical risk' says Ori.'When you're both candid in revealing who you are, you create an environment that can lead to an instant connection - a click.'
It works, too, in a romantic context. Admittedly, my first husband and I were horribly ill-suited. But the first time I met him was at a fancy dress party, a perfect example of the 'adverse circumstances' that the book also cites as leading to a click.
We were the only people who'd failed to dress up (me because I didn't know I was supposed to, and him because he thought it was silly). After five minutes, I felt I'd known him for years. Within hours, we were telling each other secrets.
'Typically, it takes weeks or months before most of us feel truly comfortable with a new person,' says Ori. 'We have to gain the other person's trust, find a common language, understand each other's quirks and establish an emotional bond.
But sometimes this process is greatly accelerated and the connection seems to form almost magically - we call this "quick-set intimacy".' evidence suggests this sort of bonding and disclosure is vital for a click, romantic or otherwise.
THE FAB FOUR
The average woman has just four true friends with whom they really click
Members of a dating site who shared more personal information about themselves online were more likely to experience successful dates. Presumably, a little honesty makes a thrilling change from the standard 'likes glass of red wine, DVDs, country walks' offering.
PROXIMITY
It could be Fate that you fell head-over-heels for that handsome stranger you met in a coffee shop - or perhaps you simply discovered you lived near each other. Because another key element in clicking is proximity.
Studies have found that genuine cheek-by-jowl proximity is more likely to result in genuine rapport, which may explain the number of unlikely romances that form on TV shows such as I'm A Celebrity... and Big Brother.
My friend Sarah is living proof. After years of sharing a large office with her colleague Steve, he moved to the desk opposite hers. They started chatting, which turned to flirting, and soon they were kissing at the office party. They're now married.
'But if I hadn't had all those little chances to chat to him during the day, I'd never have got to know him properly,' she admits. 'Before that, I thought he was a bit aloof, but it turned out he was just shy.'
So if you want to engineer a click, make sure you're as close as you can get.
'It makes more sense to simply stand closer to someone you want to meet at a party than to look across a crowded room,' affirms Ori.
Clearly, there's a reason why the boy next door is the stuff of so many fantasies. It's because he's constantly in your line of vision.
'The old adage that familiarity breeds contempt just isn't true,' adds Ori. 'In fact, familiarity breeds regard.'
RESONANCE
But surely if clicking with someone was just a matter of proximity, we'd all enjoy magical rapport with our desk-mates and never fully connect with friends who live abroad? For a true click to take place, we also have to experience what the Brafmans describe as 'resonance'.
THE SECRETS OF INSTANT RAPPORT
There's power in vulnerability. Our willingness to risk being vulnerable can deepen the quality of our relationships and make us more likely to connect with others.
A few feet make a big difference. even the smallest physical distances that separate us from others play a major role in determining who we're most likely to hit it off with.
Resonance begets resonance. Flow - the experience of being in the zone - help us to create resonance, a quality that can draw others to us.
Similarity counts. The more we can accentuate the similarities we have with someone else, the more likely we are to hit it off with that person.
The environment can help foster intimacy. Overcoming challenges or adversity together can help to stimulate or encourage clicking, as can being part of a shared, defined community.
It's the feeling you get when you're filled with well-justified confidence in your abilities, and the sense that you're entirely comfortable in your skin.
That moment when you're telling a funny story, say, and you know that everyone's going to laugh, or when you're listening to music and have lost all sense of time and the outside world. When you manage to create that feeling in conversation with another person, you're a long way towards the click.
I've had many conversations after a bottle of Pinot too many when the semi-stranger at the party seems like the most fascinating individual on earth, and I'm convinced I'm wittier than Joan Rivers.
But true resonance has to happen when you're sober - that's when you know you've really got a click.
And while two of you firing on all cylinders might be exhausting, and neither would really be listening, only one person needs to be experiencing resonance because we're easily influenced.
One study found we're 30 times more likely to laugh at a joke in the presence of others than if we hear it when we're alone. 'Resonance is contagious,' says Ori.
But it's unlikely you're going to feel a connection if the other person has no sense of humour, understands nothing about your life and comes from a country you've never visited, regardless of their resonance. That's why similarity is also crucial for a true click.
SIMILARLY
Forget that 'opposites attract' stuff. They might do for five minutes, till you find yourself checking your watch as he bangs on about World Of Warcraft. A genuine click won't happen without similarity.
We're designed, say the authors, to seek out our 'in group' - the people who are most like us. 'Our immediate or extended family is an in-group,' explains Ori. 'We tend to perceive in-group members in a more favourable light. This drive is so deeply ingrained that even casual conversations that reveal similarities naturally trigger the in-group response.'
That's why we tend to share likes and dislikes so readily in small talk; it's a way of weeding through potential group members.
On a recent business trip, a stranger and I bonded over the TV singing contest Over The Rainbow because we were both backing the same girl to win. We got quite impassioned about it and, yes, we're still in touch.
'This change in behaviour starts a chain reaction,' reveals Ori. 'When someone sees us as part of their in-group. It's much easier to like that person in return.'
ENVIRONMENT
We'll regularly find that we get on well with someone, or fancy them, or enjoy the conversation. But a true click is more than that. It often leads to marriage, friendships that last for decades or a great working partnership.
And, as I found at that fancy dress party, the final push towards a click is environment.
Stories of disgruntled passengers banding together, disaster survivors staying in touch or workers joining together to take on a terrible boss are commonplace. That's because, according to the Brafmans, shared adversity is more likely to create a deep rapport.
'How many times have you reached out to another person by complaining about work, the weather or the economy - an overture that may have ultimately led to a friendship or deeper relationship?' asks Ori.
'A growing body of research suggests that the greater the intensity of the adversity, the stronger the bond established.'
When I met my friend, all five elements were present. We were emotionally open, we lived near each other, we were fully engaged in our conversations, we did very similar jobs and shared a sense of humour and we did have certain reservations about the boss.
'Clicking can be defined as an immediate, deep and meaningful connection with another person,' says Ori. 'It brings about a unique, almost euphoric state, and permanently alters the fundamental nature of the relationship.'
You can't force it, but you can encourage it. So next time you're stuck on a plane or in a dull meeting, try showing a little vulnerability. You never know where it might lead. n
Click, by Ori and Rom Brafman, is published on Thursday (Virgin, £11.99). To order a copy (p&p free), call 0845 155 0720.
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