Just for fun ... husband torture
HE forgot your birthday, he's constantly leaving his upturned pants on the bathroom floor and prizing him away from his X Box for a cuddle is like surgically removing your own tonsils.
Let's face it: Even the best husbands need a little punishment every now and then, even if it is just to get him to treat you like the princess you really are.
In her hilarious book, 101 Ways to Torture Your Husband, Maria Garcia-Kalb talks us through some clever tactics to help us learn how to make him beg for mercy.
Here, we present our top ten from her list ...
1. Repeatedly ask him if you are fat
Let's say you are 5 foot five and weigh around nine and a half stone.
You are officially NOT FAT, but because we are women, we are battling with the mirror, wishing we could lose another five pounds to get arms like Angelina Jolie.
Strip to your undies and start squeezing into the most unflattering duds. He can't possibly say anything remotely nice when he sees rolls jammed into a boob tube. Therefore, anything he says can be transformed into a fat insult.
Continue trying on outfits and he'll get more and more anxious. At this point, he's well aware that the next words he utters could unleash a violent flood of screaming and weeping.
Make it your best acting role ever and you may even get a new wardrobe out of it.
2. Fake it and tell him you did
Oh, don't act so shocked. You've done it plenty of times, but this time he'll actually know about it.
This is a great exercise for a man who needs an ego check because it will force him to cater to your needs.
Just put on your best show so he'll be really baffled later on.
3. Sign him up for a dance class
Look out Strictly Come Dancing! Here's a way to leave your husband dazed, breathless and consequently confused.
In the name of torture and for all those times we've been discarded on the dance floor, tackling your man's two left feet will be a divine enterprise.
And there's only one way to go about it: Don't say a word, find the most refutable dance studio in the area and sign him up for eight weeks of excruciatingly difficult dance instruction.
4. Treat him to a massage (with a male masseuse)
I know few men who go for massages (and I have an inkling it's because they'd rather not be naked unless there is an orgasm attached) so they miss the sheer bliss of a relaxing rubdown.
Well, you can definitely supply the rubdown - by booking him a body massage at your local spa with a large and extra manly male massage specialist who will be happy to stroke and knead hubbies troubles away.
5. Send him on a hellish supermarket trip
A kryptonite like task men utterly despite is the obligatory trip to the supermarket.
Why not mess with their head and send him off with a lengthy list of hard-to-find perplexing, or nonexistent items. Here's a sample list:
Lavender mustard
Fresh Tarragon
Extra large kiwis
Grass fed beef fillets
Tahitian vanilla
Moulard duck breast
Liquid cilantro
Raw couscous
6. Volunteer him for the school field trip
Can you even remember the last time your husband set foot in your child's school? Does he even know where it is?
Your child needs to know that mummy is not the only parent who cares enough to spend a day with a bunch of rugrats.
Daddy is just as happy to cancel his appointments and leave his quiet office (kicking and screaming) to share some memorable moments with the apple of his eye.
What makes the situation even more enjoyable is that he'll be most likely to be the only dad there.
Don't worry about him, your child's teacher and the other mums will whip him into shape in no time.
Before you know it, he'll be in the thick of it, sifting through a sea of complicated permission slips, passing nametags, assigning partners, handing out lunchboxes and checking the emergency kit.
7. Refer to yourself only in the third person
Annoying people have been doing it for quite sometime but this 'talking in the third person' nonsense has gotten out of control since the Facebook.
Because it's so unbelievably irritating, imagine dishing it out to your hubby consistently. He'll be so frustrated he'll want to tear his hair out (if he is not bald already of course).
In which case you could say "Karen loves your new look, honey!", "She thinks she should have shaved your head years ago!"
At first, he might be a bit confused, but he'll catch on soon enough.
8. Finally open up to his family
Go ahead and tell his mother that you don't like her cooking, show his grandmother the naughty tattoo on your bottom you've been covering up for years and come clean about the time you and your husband hooked up in the laundry room on holiday.
Think of it as freeing therapy - and you don't have to pay for it!
9. Ruin his day with the words 'We Need To Talk'
Nothing is worse than gut-wrenching anxiety that comes with this short and powerful sentence.
Catch him just before he leaves for work, just utter the words 'we need to talk'.
"Is everything ok?" he might say. To which you'll say: "We'll talk later when you get home."
These words make quite an impact and I assure you he'll be going insane for at least eight hours wondering what monster he will face when he gets home.
When he comes home, just blow off the whole thing and say "Oh honey, it was no big deal. I was just having a bad morning. Sorry!"
10. Bribe him with sex , then don't pay up
Sex is great, but the monotony of marriage tends to stifle it, so that's why men can be lured but the bribing manoeuvre so easily,
First, withhold intimacy for two weeks. Your husband will be on a "sex fast", he'll be thrilled by the prospect of 'getting some', which is when you make your offer.
"Okay honey. We can have sex tonight if you do the washing or mow the lawn (or whatever if might be that you want him to do)."
Your man will immediately agree and get the chore done.
When he comes around to "collect" his reward, tell him that the office is closed and he will have to come back tomorrow.
Lick it up a notch by wearing racy underwear in bed but sleeping all night long.
101 Ways To Torture Your Husband by Maria Garcia-Kalb, published by Adams Media, £8.99.
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